The Education of a Wandering Man.

I write on yet another beautiful day that I have spent inside this summer. This is my first blog post, here or MySpace, in quite some time. Many of my days this summer have been spent sleeping, or playing Scenario Poker on my computer (thanks Andy!), or watching MacGyver. I've also spent a lot, a LOT of time processing the last school year.

It seemed the more I learned about my career, the less confidence I had in my own abilities. I had the extreme pleasure of having the angriest parent phone call two days before I was done with the school year. I called Krystal (my beautiful, wise, understanding girlfriend) right afterwards, and declared my intentions never to enter another classroom. It just seemed like too much for me to handle. So I went into my summer vacation having absolutely no idea where I was headed next. I was just absolutely sure I wasn't going to be teaching.

Move forward a month and some change, and I just filled out some applications for openings in the district I used to work in, which also happens to be the district I grew up in--Anoka Hennepin--what what!
Anyway, I just applied for 7 different jobs in the district, 4 of which are at Bell Center, the school I worked at for almost 2 years. I'm doing this to appease my mother before she and my dad head off to Sweden to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary, so she can go with a clear mind. She likes to worry about me. So I don't feel like I want to be teaching, and I feel as if I am absolutely incompetent in the classroom, but I'm starting the process of applying and interviewing all over again. (If you're keeping track, this is Summer #3 in a row of job hunting).

So if you're reading this, you're probably wondering, "Why would he do this? Why would he go back into a situation where he gained weight, raised his blood pressure, lost sleep, and had his self-image assailed at all turns?" Good question.

What it comes down to is this: I am scared. I am scared to re-enter the classroom. I am also scared of being unemployed and financially insolvent this fall when the money from Transition Program runs out. I am scared of wherever God is leading me right now, because I can see no clear steps in front of me. I am well aware of the many promises God has made to be with us in difficult situations, as well as the promise that God works through our weaknesses to do great things. But I cannot claim that they are offering me any comfort at this point. I am nearing the point of total brokenness, which will be a good thing, but it is painful right now. It has been almost 4 years since I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and it's like they take turns in their affecting me. There were some points in this last school year where I spent every minute of my prep hour playing Internet Spades or Solitaire, because I was so absolutely crushed by all I had to do, and I saw no way out of it. So it was anxiety throughout this entire school year, and now I've got all day to think and worry about my future plans.
I am 26, and suffering from a complete lack of answers.

I need prayer, friends.

And if you happen to know of a job that you think would work for me, I'm all ears.