The man in the comfort gel mask.

Before I get started, I'd like to thank everyone for their comments and prayers concerning my blog from last week. I think some of my hopelessness was due to an overwhelming sense of exhaustion, and on Monday night, I went in for a sleep study to find out exactly what that exhaustion was caused by.

The sleep study itself was an experience in itself. I arrived to meet Ed, the gentleman who would be taking care of me for the majority of my stay. He directed me to my room, which had the general appearance of a hotel room, complete with queen-size bed and cable TV. The only difference was this massive box on the wall that I soon would be plugged into. I waited a little while, and my new friend Ed began attaching wires and sensors all over the place--nowhere inappropriate, but there were a heck of a lot of them--I think I counted 30 by the time he was done. There were EEG sensors, EKG sensors, a snore microphone, a finger oximeter, and a couple belts he put around my waist and chest to see what kind of expansion I was getting when I breathed.

The last, and most intriguing piece of equipment was a CPAP machine. For those of you that are unfamiliar, it stands for Continuous Positive Air Pressure. The CPAP machine combats sleep apnea, and since I had some symptoms that reminded Ed of apnea, he thought he'd get me some practice on it.

A quick course on sleep apnea: When you get into REM sleep, the muscles in your throat relax, especially when you're on your back. For most people, this doesn't create a problem. But for people with apnea, this tissue relaxes to the point where it closes off your airway, and you stop breathing for a very small amount of time. Eventually, the brain realizes it's not getting as much oxygen as it should, and it triggers you to move, ever so slightly, enough to get you breathing again. Apnea is considered more severe the more times an hour you go through this process (each incident is called an apnea). For me, we discovered at my deepest point of sleep, I was getting up around 30 times an hour. Now, this is considered moderate sleep apnea, but it's easy to see why I might be feeling exhausted, no?

What the CPAP machine does is keep your airway open by pushing air through your system by means of a mask you wear over your nose (see above). You can control the amount of pressure, as well as the humidity of the air, with this nifty little machine, and it's supposed to work wonders for sufferers of apnea.

As a result of my test, they recommended I get the CPAP machine for myself. I met with a nice man named Brent, who showed me all around my machine, and instructed me in cleaning and care of my new toy.

Well, I've written two really, really long posts, so I'm going to leave this one short. Basically, I'm able to stand the mask on my face for about 3 hours at this point, and the longer I use it, the better (hopefully) I will feel!

So wish me luck!

Oh Look! Ouimet Canyon! (Pronounced O Luk! We-Met Kan-Yun!)

Saturday morning, Krystal and I took the liberty of leaving at 8:30 for our adventures north of the border. We made good time getting to the border, and equally good time getting to Thunder Bay. We found Wunderbars and Smarties for Andy and Lisa (Krystal's brother/sister-in-law, respectively), and started driving towards Ouimet Canyon, a nice little provincial park my folks told me about. Everything was going well, and we even stopped at the Terry Fox Memorial Wayside. If you haven't heard of Terry Fox before, his story is absolutely amazing. Here's a link to more info about him: http://www.terryfoxrun.org/english/about%20terry%20fox/default.asp?s=1

His wayside was as nice a wayside stop you could ever hope to find. It had a memorial, and a fantastic view of Sleeping Giant (picture to follow). Impressed as we were, we trudged on, ever hopeful to find the canyon. We kept going in the right direction, on the right road, armed with only our wits and a free map from the now-legendary Terry Fox Wayside. After awhile, we a saw a sign for Ouimet Canyon Road, but I passed it up, fully believing it would loop around like it did in the map on the brochure. Well, it didn't. We ended up in Darion, and I manned up and stopped to ask for directions. Turns out we were about 5 miles too far to the east, and as we headed back in the right direction, we began to notice all sorts of signs for Ouimet Canyon--but only on that side of the road. Apparently it's beyond the comprehension of the Canadian Park Board that anyone would approach the park from the west. But it didn't matter, because eventually, we found the road, and the park, and it was wonderful. The canyon is approximately 100 meters deep at its deepest point, and its sides are steep and awe-inspiring. The park has two lookout platforms that extend over the canyon itself, and Krystal and I both made ourselves walk out to the edge. It was absolutely still and quiet, with the occasional bird song, and one could still see Lake Superior from our viewing platform. I could have sat there forever, but we had to keep moving, as it was in the high 80s, even as far north as we were. We finished our hike, and headed into Thunder Bay itself to explore.

Turns out there's not much to see in Thunder Bay. We stopped at a bookstore, and being as we were absolutely dead tired, we got coffee, then began the trek back to Two Harbors. Stopping at the border again, we were greeted by an utterly cheerless fellow who ushered us through rather quickly, and we were on our way to Grand Marais for dinner. We settled on Sven and Ole's. Granted, I am fully aware that S & O's is about as touristy a place as you can get, but it still has good pizza, dangit!

After dinner, we started up again, and began the hunt for some black-eyed susans. They are plentiful along Highway 61, but I never have gotten up the nerve to stop and take some from the side of the road. I guess it's the goody-goody in me. Anyway, that night I decided to break my resolution. We drove by a lot of flowers, but every time I saw them, there was no good place to stop. This became a game for Krystal, as she'd yell, "There's some!", but we couldn't stop, and she'd have a good laugh. Eventually, I found a wide patch of the road, and sent Krystal out to pick some flowers up. Naturally, she failed to see why she should be the only one to get them, and I reluctantly left the van (by the way, we had the parents' minivan--slick, huh?). We got some black-eyed-susans, stuck them in a water bottle, and continued on our way.

Now, when we were planning this trip, we were both told tons of places I should take Krystal, as she hadn't previously been up to the North Shore. We passed several of these places on the way back to Two Harbors, but we were so both absolutely beat, we didn't want to do any walking. As a result, when we saw the Cross River Falls, which just so happens to be right by a wayside stop, it was the perfect breather. We happened upon a couple that was absorbed in throwing objects in the falls north of the bridge, then running across both lanes of traffic to see what became of said objects. I guess if that's what you can do for entertainment in a small town, more power to ya. We made it home safely, and settled in for the night.

Sunday morning went as I described in the last blog, and with a good nap under out belts, it was time to go home. On the way out of Two Harbors, we stopped at the cemetary, and paid our respects to my grandma--it was the first time I had seen her gravestone since she passed away last March. We left the hard-earned black-eyed susans with her, and headed out of town. Since we had no timetable, I thought it'd be fantastic if we took the slightly longer route south through Wisconsin on state highway 35. This was going well until we hit Danbury, where we were informed the road was closed, and we needed to take a detour. "No problem," we thought. "What's a little detour?" we wondered. Turns out Wisconsin's DOT's idea of a detour involves going 70 miles out of your way. We went through Minong, Spooner, Shell Lake, Turtle Lake, all nice places, but all places I wish we didn't have to go through. Long story short, we managed to make what should be a 3 hour drive into a 5 hour one. We got home safe, and had a great time, but if you're reading this, and you work for the Wisconsin DOT, well....
My mom always told me if I don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all.

I'm so glad I'm a part of the family of God.

Today's first post title comes courtesy of one of the most ironic moments of my vacation up to the North Shore. Krystal and I ( and Brad and Heather on Thursday) traveled all around the area, even up to good ol' Canada! But Sunday morning, we two, along with my grandpa Gust, went to an unnamed Baptist church in Duluth. Some of my extended relatives happen to go there, so I thought it'd be a great idea.

Turns out the church didn't have any air conditioning, and we were all struggling by about 10 minutes in. The pastor proceeded to deliver a message devoid of any coherent thought or realistic challenge. His sentences were long and rambling, and his scriptural references shaky at best in their connections to the subject matter at hand. But the best moment of the morning came at the end of his cheerless diatribe, where he announced, with no apparent irony, "And now it's time to sing that old-time hymn, ' I'm So Glad I'm a Part of the Family of God." (Note: This sounds much funnier when read in the approximate voice of Ben Stein, which is approximately what he sounded like). I nearly died. It was a nice capper to the weekend. Maybe not the high point, but close.

And now to the meat of the travellogue: Pictures of this adventure will be forthcoming.

We got up to Two Harbors around midnight Wednesday evening. Morning came, and all four of us headed to Duluth, with pit stops along the Scenic Drive to dip our feet in the ice water that is Lake Superior. Once we got into Duluth, we headed to lunch at Grandma's, then a trip to Sidewalk Days, which was just about as exciting as the title suggests. It was hot, the merchandise was lousy, and we were all getting burnt. So we headed down to Park Point, and I went in the water, due to my negligence in remembering to inform Brad and Heather that we might be swimming. The next half-hour was Brad and I throwing the frisbee, with plenty of awkward diving and flopping around, as well as Brad hiking his shorts up so they wouldn't touch the water.
The evening brought dinner at Little Angie's Cantina, followed by checking out Tony and Renee's new house (note: Heather's brother and sister-in-law, respectively). We then headed back to T & R's apartment to watch a movie, only to discover their apartment had been relocated to the third level of hell. I swear it was 90 degrees the entire time we were watching the movie. Needless to say, I lost about 5 pounds in water weight, and Krystal and I bolted out of the apartment as soon as the movie was over.

Friday brought brunch at Perkins', then Skyline Drive and Enger Tower (see above). We grabbed food, and headed out to Park Point again to tan and swim. In case you're wondering, our efforts got me from a pasty white to more of an off-white--sort of an eggshell, really. Krystal and I went to watch a movie (Devil Wears Prada--yes, Devil Wears Prada). We then headed back to Two Harbors and made dinner for my grandpa, then walked down to the all-hallowed Breakwater for a stroll, as well as some Culver's action afterwards--rock on.

I'll write about the second half of the trip soon--like two hours' soon.

The Education of a Wandering Man.

I write on yet another beautiful day that I have spent inside this summer. This is my first blog post, here or MySpace, in quite some time. Many of my days this summer have been spent sleeping, or playing Scenario Poker on my computer (thanks Andy!), or watching MacGyver. I've also spent a lot, a LOT of time processing the last school year.

It seemed the more I learned about my career, the less confidence I had in my own abilities. I had the extreme pleasure of having the angriest parent phone call two days before I was done with the school year. I called Krystal (my beautiful, wise, understanding girlfriend) right afterwards, and declared my intentions never to enter another classroom. It just seemed like too much for me to handle. So I went into my summer vacation having absolutely no idea where I was headed next. I was just absolutely sure I wasn't going to be teaching.

Move forward a month and some change, and I just filled out some applications for openings in the district I used to work in, which also happens to be the district I grew up in--Anoka Hennepin--what what!
Anyway, I just applied for 7 different jobs in the district, 4 of which are at Bell Center, the school I worked at for almost 2 years. I'm doing this to appease my mother before she and my dad head off to Sweden to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary, so she can go with a clear mind. She likes to worry about me. So I don't feel like I want to be teaching, and I feel as if I am absolutely incompetent in the classroom, but I'm starting the process of applying and interviewing all over again. (If you're keeping track, this is Summer #3 in a row of job hunting).

So if you're reading this, you're probably wondering, "Why would he do this? Why would he go back into a situation where he gained weight, raised his blood pressure, lost sleep, and had his self-image assailed at all turns?" Good question.

What it comes down to is this: I am scared. I am scared to re-enter the classroom. I am also scared of being unemployed and financially insolvent this fall when the money from Transition Program runs out. I am scared of wherever God is leading me right now, because I can see no clear steps in front of me. I am well aware of the many promises God has made to be with us in difficult situations, as well as the promise that God works through our weaknesses to do great things. But I cannot claim that they are offering me any comfort at this point. I am nearing the point of total brokenness, which will be a good thing, but it is painful right now. It has been almost 4 years since I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and it's like they take turns in their affecting me. There were some points in this last school year where I spent every minute of my prep hour playing Internet Spades or Solitaire, because I was so absolutely crushed by all I had to do, and I saw no way out of it. So it was anxiety throughout this entire school year, and now I've got all day to think and worry about my future plans.
I am 26, and suffering from a complete lack of answers.

I need prayer, friends.

And if you happen to know of a job that you think would work for me, I'm all ears.